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Note that this is just a collection of cool stuff that happened to me in dwarf fortress. Its kinda a journey of me getting to about halfway point past not dying to kobold children. This post will grow, as I add to it. If you are interested, I recommend checking this page every two months.

I generated a world 10000 years old. Additionally it had detailed changes. Those detailed changes include lotsa savagery, no poles and low mountains. It is a bad place to be, to cut this short. Of course, I exported an image and population info.
6000 goblins
2000 kobolds
Here's the good part:
85 humans
4 elves

Of course, I immediately started up adventure mode and chose "elf of bgifhejjgje"
5 elves

As I started talking to the peeps, roaming around at the camp, I noticed something. The elven princess I spoke to just ran off somewhere.
"What is this? An attack?"
Some shit was going on. I had to investigate. Me, the regular hero with 10 in agility and endurance had to run after an pretty pissed off princess, running after some unknown aggressor. Grand luck. Possibly the last remaining female of our race, running after what may be deadly?

Yapsing and coughing I caught up with her beating the shit out of our general and vice versa. After that General dickface ran a few more meters, just out of sight of the wounded princess. Appearantly, he punched the queen in the face. Thank God the princess wasn't the last remaining female. Because while I deduced this, the princess bled to death. And I would be serving under this man?

I retired for bullshit reasons at that point.

One incident with repopulating elves by sending out a caravan next to the "camp" (which is nothing more than four elves standing around and doing jackshit) later, I retried adventure mode.

11 elves

I started in the newly formed fortress of seven additional elves standing around doing jackshit.
Next to the corpse of princess the peach, who died trying to heroically slay the evil General jackass, who punched her mother once. I picked the corpse up, seeing how the general was nowhere to be found, then dragged the corpse over to the queen north north east.

Me:"Ask about the general jackass"
Queen:"General jackass is my enemy. He struck down princess the peach"

Cool story. Trade your hat for her corpse. Good? Good!

"The queen reorganizes her possessions"

-and propably just realized what or who she bought for a hat. She doesn't speak much anymore since then. I just left. Had to try the new hat after all.

That is, until I see "General". That's it. Neither his name, nor species show up anymore. I guess punching the queen and murdertorturing the princess gets ya kinda dishonored and stuff. Cool.

Hey buddy ol pal ol friend ol buddy, why'dya kill princess the peach?

"It was inevitable"

Mmhm, yes, neat, why are you running awa-
"Detail incident where you attacked General jackass"
Oooh. You think- this spear- I see…

Almost collapsing from exhaustion, I caught up with him, to stab the douche. In the neck. Seeing how he continued to run, albeit bleeding a bit, I opted to dislocated every single one of his limbs. Then he passed out.
You see, my plan was to incapacitate the jackass General and question him.
"Wakes up"
"Passes out"
"Repeat step 1 to 2 for indeterminate time span"

So… I decided to wait for one hour, to let him recover a bit. Just enough to talk to me.
"I must retreat"
…we're His first words after the hour had passed. Yeah, good luck with that. I broke your-
runs away
-limbs…

Fuck!

Long story short, I find the general, get some (barely any) info out of him, and get reckd. I think he even jumped on me or something. I am not that good with adventure mode yet.

After that rather disturbing line of events, I decided to go a bit into the whole "Dwarf fortress" deal people always seem to be on about. Having installed a mod, which allows for free choice of race, I ran a few goblin and kobold civilizations into the ground. after an unsuccessful attempt at having humans at a volcano crater, (Note, not drinking kills em) I decided to create a extreme world. (Which I thought it was until I discovered the wonderful world of temperature)

1000 civilizations. 357 years of "procreation" (senseless war). way too many demons. Max cave sizes and number.

At the end, there were exactly two human settlements. Not civilizations, settlements. each having about fourty inhabitants, the whole human race tops at 88 individual people. funny thing is, they're neighbours.

and there are 13057 goblins. E V E R Y W H E R E. I cannot stress this enough. If you look at the map, you get a checkerboard of caves and goblin sites.
They even got a mountain fortress. I didn't even know that they can do that. I get it now.

Seeing how I always have to be "that guy" in videogames, (an idiot until I find the grapple button in soul calibur) I marked the position of the human holds, as to choose the correct civilization/race.

In the end I chose the village to the left, and set the caravan to an 3x3 area next to a huge goblin hold and at the exact position of a cavern. You know, the ones with max size.

So, then what? There's fuck all mountain to dig into, except for that kobold ridden cavern and a labyrinth with THREE minotaurs. And the latter has damp walls and floors everywhere. At least the kobolds seem to be busy cutting each other open, instead of my seven humans. and they are on the other side of the river.

So, I do the natural thing and build a wall just in case. My fisher takes care of the food, water is also no problem, so I get channeling going. Into the labyrinth. It is here that I should mention that I dont know how water works in the entirety.
So, the labyrinth fills, the minotaurs drown and everyone is happy. I walled off a bit of the labyrinth in case I need it to flee quickly.

Incase you wonder, the water comes from a river.

It doesnt freeze in winter.

Fuck! 2

So while that future trainwreck rolls off the station, (at time of writing no crash has occured)
I decide to go back to the 10000 year vampirefest with the four elves. I forgot to mention this, but the world is filled with vampires. Goblins can be vamps, lawgivers can be vamps, vamps can be [overflow error] years old dont need sleep…

I want that.

I want all of that.

Blood!

So I start my standard guy, lots of the first four stats and wrestling + dodging and roll out. I do some basic adventuring, trying to get the quest system on my own, (wiki goddamnit I could've looked it up) killing a lizard woman in the process.
She was actually really nice. She was an abomination of the night, thats true but so is our law giver. The major is a goblin and they have regular vampire visits. I propably killed a peasant. Nobody minded though…
So, getting her skull as a trophy, (butchered because I cannot yet sever limbs each hit) I return to the city of whogivesafuck. There, in the castle, I try and fail to get a reward (I am new at this at that time) and throw the skull to the eastern wall. There, the skulls of previously fullfilled missions lie on the ground, waiting for the day that I mash everyones head in with them.

I feel like this is a good time, to talk about Eduardo.
Eduardo is a dragon. A cave dragon to be more precise. This makes Eduardo a lot easier a foe than other dragons, which will burn you. However, dragons live for thousands of years by default.
They gather experience during that time.
Eduardo was a wrestler dragon. Masterful.
Eduardo wrecked the shit of three adventurer parties. About ten of my men died to Eduardo. This is not noteworthy. How they died is.

Eduardo dislocated each limb in their bodies and then bit their heads off.
Eduardo really fucked my shit up. My main goal during the creation of my vampire character was the eventual demise of Eduardo.

The next days were spent gathering the best of the best (whoever was stupid enough to tag along) to eventually slay a vampire. After sleeping in the castle however, I "feel a chill running down my spine" and sense enemies.
A single goblin vampire.

I quickly slashed him to death and drank his blood directly from his severed skull.

Just kidding, I spent two in game days tracking him, after he ran away. I am not very good at this. (yet)

After he finally succumbed to his missing limbs, I drank his blood and slashed his head off. I'd like to say that it was a dramatic scene, with me realizing that only a monster could kill a monster but I actually was just really fucking tired from running two days.

So, now I was a vampire.


So, then I died.

I'm sorry, I wish I could bring it over myself to dig through legend mode, to tell you about the three cities that were eradicated. I even killed eduardo (turns out I just was bad at combat).
I honest to god wish it all mattered.
It does not.

you wanna know why?
Because I died to bogeymen.

Begone, tales of the destruction of whogivesafucktown 1 2 and 3.
Farewell, song of how I drank unicorn blood, drawn with the unicorns own severed horn.
Third word that continues this pattern, saga of the goblin arm, which became my main weapon for a week.

F#cking bogeymen are f#cking bullshit.

I could save him, you know? I savescummed. I know how to use dfhack now.
Vaporize the shit outta them bogeymen.
"Temporarily" boost my dodging and just rush to a town.
Maybe get some candy armor to give them cavities.

I won't. Instead, the save shall stay there, an eternal reminder to turn bogeymen the fuck off, when generating a custom world.
Fuck em.

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